with these letters i give my heart to you
by TLea
Summary: Carlos secretly writes letters for Jay to take with him on his gap year. He accidentally admits his undying love for Jay in one of them.


**Should I make this a series and include the letters Carlos wrote and Jay's response to them?**

* * *

Carlos couldn't deny that he was upset at the news that Jay was going on a year long trip with Gil. He was happy, really, that he had made another friend. But, and this may just be Carlos, he thought it was crazy to go on a year long trip with someone who you barely knew. If Jay were to ask Carlos his honest opinion on it, he would say that he thought it was a little impulsive.

He knew how it looked. He wasn't stupid. He wasn't jealous that Jay was making new friends or that he was going on a trip with his new friend. Carlos just hated being alone and that's exactly what was going to happen. Mal was getting married, and was headed to college after that. Evie was probably on her way to getting married and would be attending university hours away in the fall. And Carlos? Well, he was stuck at Auradon for another year without any of his friends; his family. It was the downside of being the youngest of his friends. He didn't want to be forgotten, and he knew it probably wouldn't happen, but he couldn't help but fear that it would.

It came to a point where it didn't seem like Carlos had much say in the matter of what his friends did. He couldn't stop Jay from having a lifetime of fun with Gil in wonderful places and he certainly couldn't stop Mal and Evie from going to college.

And okay, maybe he was jealous that Gil seemed to be Jay's new best friend. Carlos just didn't want to be forgotten. He could visit Mal and Evie but he wouldn't be able to visit Jay for a whole year, and that just didn't sit right with him. So, he devised a plan to make sure Jay couldn't forget about him. He decided that he was going to write a pack of letters, filled with funny, wonderful, and joyous moments that they had shared together. And if Carlos was able to find enough, he was going to insert a picture of them for each letter. That way, Jay would have to see Carlos' dumb face at least once a week.

A month before Jay was set to leave, Carlos got started on the letters. He made sure it was during the hours Jay was going to be gone. He didn't want to be interrupted and he didn't want to ruin the surprise.

He started it off simple,

"_Hey Jay, you're probably wondering why there's a pack of about five hundred letters sitting in your suitcase. Well, I wrote these to make sure you don't forget about my ugly face while you're gone. I hope wherever you are is beautiful and don't forget to take lots of pictures."_

They were generic and cheesy but he wrote them in a way that he hoped made Jay laugh. As predicted, since he wrote one almost every day, some were shorter than others. You can only make a story about baking disasters so long before it gets repetitive. Plus, the longer letters didn't necessarily mean they were better or more entertaining. When Carlos went back and re-read them, he found that he had said "hope you're having fun," about seven times in the same letter.

Writing the letters was a nice outlet for Carlos. They helped him express how angry and upset he was at this situation, that he wouldn't be able to voice aloud. If he tried hard enough, he could pretend Jay would never read these which allowed him to vent more.

"_You're an idiot if you think I'm not angry that you're going on this trip. With Gil! Of ALL PEOPLE! I mean, you might as well take Harry, too!"_

Or,

"_Haha, don't forget about me over here, crying over my homework, while you're there livin it up in costa fuckin' rica"_

So, yeah, some days he was mad more than others, but god damn he felt like he had a reason to be.

The letters also allowed him to vent his appreciation for Jay. And boy, Carlos had not realized before how much he really appreciated Jay. Before he even really realized it, he was writing sappy letter after sappy letter. It was getting a bit ridiculous. At one point, he had found himself writing,

"_Without you, I don't know where I'd be. Truly, Jay. I don't know who I'd be without you. I don't know how I'd live without you."_

And hell. He debated a good twenty minutes on scribbling that part out. So, just in case, he added "_So you better not fucking die, punk_."

It got to be a week before Jay was leaving and it was getting harder for Carlos to write. At this point, he found himself pouring out his heart and soul into these letters. It was wearing him down emotionally, and giving him too much to think about. After writing a particularly long letter he looked down and read, with horror:

"_I remember when we saw stars for the first time. _When _you saw them for the first time. You looked so happy. I had never seen you look so happy or so amazed at anything in your life. You looked at me and laughed and looked back up and just kept laughing. I think it was then that I realized how much I loved you." _

When had he written that? How had he not realized he had written that?

And what the fuck, he loved Jay.

He loved Jay with all his heart and soul apparently, according to these letters.

He had to throw it away, he had to. And so that he did, or tried to. He snatched up the letter and held it over the trashcan, ready to throw it away, but his hands didn't seem to want to open. He couldn't throw it away. It'd be like throwing away his feelings for Jay. With a loud groan and a kick to his desk chair, he threw the letter back onto his desk and finished the rest of the letter. If he wasn't going to mark it out or throw it away, he could at least write the rest of the letter and pretend like he hadn't just wrote that.

For the rest of the week, all he could think about was that stupid letter. Had he really just told Jay that he loved him in a letter? Why hadn't Carlos realized this before? And why did it have to be right before Jay went on a year long trip where Carlos would not be able to communicate with him at all.

He didn't want to write anymore letters. He didn't know what to write. Would he acknowledge what he had written early? He had to, didn't he? After two days of debating, despite not wanting to, he wrote his last letter.

"_I'm a mess, a big mess, and I'm confused Hell, you probably are too. But it's going to be a great year, I know it will be. So Jay, please have the best time, and maybe contact me when you have the time? And here's your final picture, in case you want to see Mal and Evie's faces too."_

With a sigh of relief, Carlos packaged his last letter in a red envelope and gathered his stack together. As long as Jay didn't read these all in one sitting, he'd be set on letters for a while. He counted the letters one last time and when he was happy with the amount he put a rubber band around them and headed towards Jay's suitcase that was by his bed. He had planned on sneaking them in so Jay would be surprised later on.

As he leaned down to unzip Jay's suitcase to shove the letters in, their bedroom door slammed open, banged on the wall, and caused Carlos to stumble backwards. Jay stood there, heaving, with an odd look on his face.

Carlos bolted up as he shoved the letters behind his back, not so discreetly.

"What's got you so flustered?" Carlos asked, trying to act normal as he slowly backed up, hoping he could drop the letters on his desk as to not be noticeable by Jay.

"I forgot we needed our cap and gown for graduation practice and it's about to start and…" He slowly tapered off as he noticed Carlos creeping backwards, his left hand never leaving his back. Jay cocked his head.

"Uh, what's that you have behind your back?"

"Nothing!" Carlos shouted, immediately signaling something was amiss.

"Seriously C, what's behind your back?" Jay had a playful smirk on his face as he watched Carlos get flustered. He made to step forward, which caused Carlos to nearly flail backwards. He definitely had something he didn't want Jay to see.

"Nothing!" He insisted again which prompted Jay to jump forward and wrestle the letters away from Carlos.

He looked at the pack of envelopes in his hand and motioned towards Carlos as if to ask, "What's this?"

"It's stupid, just give them back." Carlos held out his hand.

Jay, without question, handed them back. "I'm sure it's not stupid. But you were with them, by my suitcase." He didn't ask a question, but he made sure to imply it.

Carlos sighed, eyes downcast. "Okay, I wrote letters for you to read while you're gone and I was hoping I could sneak them into your suitcase so you could be surprised."

Jay grinned, taken aback by how thoughtful Carlos' gift was. He wondered how long he had been planning this. "Oh, is that all? That's awesome, C. You can put them in my suitcase and I promise I won't read them until I leave."

"You sure?" Carlos took a step back towards the suitcase.

"Yeah," Jay said, moving again. He reached for his cap and gown and dashed back to the door. "Yeah, Carlos. I love it, go ahead, and I gotta go, so bye!"

And with that Jay was gone and Carlos could breathe again. He put the letters into Jay's suitcase and didn't think about them again until Jay left for his trip with Gil. If Carlos was being honest, it was hard to see Jay go, but with his letters keeping Jay company, he knew it would be okay.

Over the course of the next month, somehow, Jay had been able to write Carlos letters back. It was a nice surprise, albeit a little worrying. Eventually, he would get to _the letter_. Until then, he figured it would be fine. Jay's letters were short, but enough to assure Carlos that Jay was thinking of him. And, to Carlos' delight, Jay did send back pictures of all the gorgeous places they visited. Picture after picture he received he carefully placed along his bedroom wall.

Despite wanting to forget about it, to deny his feelings for Jay, he eventually realized he couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't fair to himself, and it definitely wasn't fair to Jane. God, poor Jane. He adored her and she was so incredibly sweet, but he just didn't love her the way he loved Jay. And it was hard to admit, it was, but he had to stop being weak. Jay's personality filled his heart with an emotion he couldn't explain and now that Jay was gone, he felt like there was a giant gaping hole waiting to be filled again.

Three months after Jay and Gil left, Carlos broke up with Jane. She took it well.

A month later, Jay's letters stopped coming. Carlos tried not to worry, but he did. He worried so much. He felt fear so great that his grades suffered. What if Jay had reached _the letter_ and hated Carlos? What if, What if.

Then, on a rather beautiful night, when the sun was just setting and painted his bedroom a wonderful pink hue, his door busted open. Carlos had screamed in terror, ready to defend himself to whoever just busted down his door like they were the damn police.

"Carlos," Jay wheezed. It was evident he had ran very far.

"Jay," Carlos shouted completely flabbergasted. What the actual hell. "What the fuck," Excuse his language, but what the fuck. "Why are you here? What is going on?" He slowly left his bed and approached Jay. Despite trying to catch his breath, Jay had the biggest grin on his face.

"I'm here cause I had to tell you that I really fucking love you too." Jay's voice was soft, and his eyes lingered on Carlos' freckled faces. His body moved as if its own accord and suddenly they were inches from one another.

Carlos' brain short-circuited, and he gaped like an idiot. "Wait, really?"

Jay laughed, narrowing in on Carlos' lips. "Yes, you idiot," and suddenly, without warning, but Carlos should've really seen coming, Jay was kissing Carlos. It was sweet, soft, slow and everything a first kiss should be. When Jay pulled back, Carlos was smiling softly, eyes alight with joy.

"Why didn't you tell me you were so upset I was leaving with Gil?" Jay lightly traced Carlos' lips with his finger, frowning at the thought of Carlos being so upset. He'd never mean to cause Carlos any pain.

"You were happy, I didn't want to ruin that." Carlos could hardly process what was going on. Jay, somehow, loved Carlos back. They loved each other. _They fucking loved each other. _

"You could've came with us," Jay spoke softly, pecking at Carlos' lips several times before pulling back. Carlos was having a difficult time carrying this conversation.

"I couldn't skip a whole year of school, Jay." Carlos shook his head, smiling. He broke away from Jay's embrace, needing space if they wanted to have a coherent conversation.

Jay thought this over, "I guess. But we probably could've worked something out."

At this point, Carlos didn't care. It had all worked out for the best, clearly. Jay was here, with him. Not Gil. Carlos. "Jay, it's whatever. You're here now." Jay smiled, leaning forward to hug him tightly before pushing him away playfully.

"By the way, you'll probably get a letter in the mail explaining my unconditional love for you. After I sent it I wasn't patient enough to wait for it to reach you, so I flew myself here instead."

Carlos laughed loudly, pulling Jay back in. "I love you so damn much." Carlos kissed Jay again, something he was sure he would never tire of.


End file.
